My kid told me that my ass is too big. Cool.
I was bent over putting something away and E decided she wanted my bedroom door shut.
I was in the way.
She starts psuhing on the door with all her might and says in a very exasperated voice..
“MUM! I cant close the door! You butt is too big! Mum you butt is TOO big!!”
Why is the innocence of babes so rude!
And by minute, I mean a super long minute.
Apparently along with the MANY other things I cannot commit to, keeping up with a daily blog post about random things my kid says is one of them. Or she just has not said anything over great over the last while.
So just for that, I will hit ya with what has happened over the last couple weeks. some good, some not so good, some vomit worthy (I’m still surprised I didn’t vomit actually) and some that will make you cringe.
We have been pretty slow at work lately, I work in the trades so this time of year is always hit and miss, although it is the slowest we have ever been. I worked a grand total of 13.5 hours last week… Woooo. That will be great for Christmas shopping, wont it?
On the Tuesday of last week (why does everything significant happen on a Tuesday?) we had a major power outage. By major, I mean 1/3 of the entire province was without power. Three substations tripped and were damaged due to the heavy hoarfrost and rime frost on the overhead lines.Below is an accurate description of the frost.
Even if I had work, there would have been no way to test anything to figure out what was wrong because everyone was in the dark. That was a really lame electrical joke. I apologize now
Moving on. I had my work Christmas party this weekend, which was entertaining to say the least. We went to a local steakhouse which is normally extremely good, except for Sunday night. Yes, my work christmas party was on a Sunday, whatever.
We had THREE people serving us, two of which were managers. They still f*cked up 3 of six meals! One person is celiac so its crucial they have a gluten friendly/free meal, they screwed that one up. One person’s lobster was severely under-cooked, AND they completely FORGOT to put in the order for my dates meal. How bogus is that?! We weren’t and aren’t even difficult people to begin with! Needless to say, they comped three of our meals and I’m pretty sure fired someone that night. The rest of the night was a great time and we all laughed off the bad luck of the dinner.
Skip on over to Monday! It was actually a good day! Good lord, did she just say that Monday was a good day!? Yes. I. Did. I didn’t end up working which usually is not a good thing when the company is pretty slow BUT I got to junk out majorly on all the unused toys and clothing in E’s room and toy box. Every mom knows how good it feels to be rid of things lying around that don’t get played with.
Along comes Monday night, the crotch-fruit has gone to bed exceptionally well and so I get a decent nights sleep…until 4am anyways. side note: we live with Granny, this is important. My mom comes into my room at 4am and says ” I hear a mouse in the ceiling, I will be making noise. I’m sorry”
Okay cool, we have mice. Not. She comes back in ten minutes later asking for help because she can’t get rid of it. So here I go, traipsing down the stairs in my gitch and climb the ladder to look in the ceiling. I look to where the squeaking is coming from and there is not one mouse but THREE OF THEM. They were stuck to glue traps thankfully, so I pried those out and got rid of them as humanely as I could. So now we have yet another mouse problem to keep an eye on.
I couldnt go back to sleep for an HOUR after that, so I am thankful that I didn’t have to work Tuesday either and could actually sleep-in until 7:30.
Tuesday was uneventful until the middle of the night. It seems to be a theme, that something goes arry in the middle of the night this week.
The dog just farted and its absolutely rancid. Just had to throw that in there so you could imagine suffering like I am with the smell as I type this.
Anyways, Tuesday night, around 12:30/1:00 am, E wakes up. “Mummmmmmyyyyy!” in a panicked voice. I go rushing in there and she says “I have to poop mummy”
*OH SHES ALSO MOSTLY POTTY TRAINED FINALLY*
I say to her, “okay quick to the bathroom!” I turn on the hall light after shes in the bathroom as to not blind her completely. She is hysterically crying now and I have no idea why. Then I stick my fingers in the back of her pull-up to pull it off and I stuck my fingers right into diarrhea.
Fuck. Me. Again, I am really surprised I did not immediately vomit at this point
I pulled off all her clothes and clean her up and stick her on the toilet, she is still crying and I say “I am going to get you new jammies and check to make sure there is no poop in your bed okay?”
She whimpers out a “yeah mummy” and stops crying as if that statement saved the whole day.
It was contained. Dear lord, thank god it was contained to the pull-up. She also went straight back to bed with absolutely no issues at all. I was still gagging.
And that brings us to, Wednesday. Oh shit, that’s today.
Well in that case, I will hit you with our regular scheduled programming on Shit my kid says.
Driving home today,
E: Mum, I want to watch a meemee.
M: *knowing full well she means movie* I don’t know what a meemee is, honey.
E: a meemee!
M: I thought I was a meemee?!
E: NO! You a baby, mama!
M: did you just call me a baby mama?!
E: Yaaahhh!
I mean, she’s not wrong, technically I am since I am not with her dad. *insert laughing emoji here*
Back story… been trying to get E to poop on the potty for a while now. She does it once in a while but tonight she actually asked to go on the potty.
This conversation afterwards went like this…
You pooped on the potty!!! Good job!!!
‘Yaaaaaaaaaa! I pooped on potty!!!’
You did!!!! Can you do it again tomorrow?!
‘Nope’
It would be fun they said.
No one tells you that they can be secretly little demons in a pint sized form.
Seriously.
My kid went to daycare today in her pajamas. PAJAMAS! She woke up normally, in relatively great mood, but all hell broke loose when I told her that I needed to change her diaper. Good lord. Who knew that taking off ones pajama pants would mean the end of the world as we know it.
So she went to daycare in her pajamas. Take that moms whose kids look like they’re in vogue magazine every minute of every day! Actually, there are no parents that are like that at our daycare and I am SO thankful for it. At least I got her hair brushed today so thats a win.
Then this morning I find out that my kid doesn’t like the fact that she is no longer the only girl in her toddler class. She and the other little girl don’t get along very well. I don’t know whether I should be proud because she wants to be the leader in things or be worried that she is potentially a bully to this other little girl. Maybe a little of both? They are only 2 after all, but it better to curb any type of bullying behaviors early in life. Time will tell, or daycare will tell me.
The other half of the demon in my child decided she wanted one specific headband with attachable clip in order to go to bed. Well, hell. Do you think I could find it before bedtime? Absolutely not. E went and hid it. In a jar of all places. In a freaking jar. Thank god I did find it because it was almost the apocalypse in my house. Once I handed it to her, it was like nothing was wrong. HOW DO TINY PEOPLE DO THAT!? Absolute meltdown to the happiest kid on earth in 2.6 seconds. Its fascinating, but exhausting. Oh boy is it exhausting.
Also, we had a dad win tonight! I have spent the last week trying to find E’s Rapunzel doll to no avail. Dad found it tonight! Yay! Definitely a life saver when it comes to E wanting all thing “Jordyn” aka Rapunzel who she refuses to call Rapunzel. So Dad to the rescue by finding the doll under the couch, which I swear I looked under at least a thousand times.
I’ll just chalk all of my little Miss’ attitude and temperaments to the fact that she has four teeth coming in at once. Now her little symmetrical gaps will be filled in finally.
Yep.
That is why shes a pint sized emotional ball of fire mixed with more sass than I can handle.
(end note; she is my flesh and blood, of course she is all of that and a bag of potato chips)
Do ALL of the things today!!
As I mentioned in my previous post earlier today(yes I know to posts in one day. Holllyyy poop) I was unable to work today. So I was going to take advantage of the day and get things done.
So much for that. I mean I got my paperwork done and about two and half loads of laundry done. I say two and half because I am almost positive that one is still in the washing machine. I haven’t ventured downstairs since about 2pm to check.
Today all I got accomplished was watching The Justice League *finally* annnnndddd get a speeding ticket.
Yep you read that right. I got a freaking speeding ticket. My kid wasn’t even with me so I couldn’t blame it on her! Damn. I knew I was going to get one too. I was coming off of one off ramp going towards an on ramp (makes no sense I know) and didn’t bother to, you know, brake. There were no cars in front of me so I figured I could just coast it.
Boom. There it was, the silvery green unmarked police truck sitting in the approach between the two directions of traffic. I knew I was done at the moment. So then I decided to go slower, only because I knew he was going to pull me over anyways.
He came up to the window, I had everything ready already and he says “You know why I pulled you over right?” I just laughed and said ‘yep, I was speeding’ The officer then told me how fast I was going and I was more than welcome to come check his radar. I said ‘No need, I believe you’
My dumbass was doing 94km in a 70km zone. Oops. My bad! It could have been worse though so theres a silver lining to it I suppose. [ For those wondering, I came off of a road that was 100km zone, I just didn’t brake enough to make the vehicle coast down to the proper speed, plus it turns into another highway right away]
I laughed about it the rest of the way to my destination. The ONE time I actually dont brake coming off the ramp and there is a freaking radar set up. I am still laughing about it.
So to end this delightful Tuesday, I accomplished absolutely nothing productive except maybe bathe the small human and put her to bed on time. #Winning
Tuesday’s seem to be my favourite to post about. Who knew?
So I cant work today. (shucks, I know,but I literally have no work truck as the other Journeyman took it out of town). So I figure I would take the small human to daycare anyways and get some things done around the house.
Well I dropped her off at 8am this morning. It is now 9:50am. Only just got one load of laundry in. God damnit, I am a lazy fuck.
On the Bright side (why bright is capitalized I do not know. Deal with it) I did get my paperwork done finally. It was supposed to be handed in yesterday morning but, well, Mondays. Am I right? Ya, I am. I also had family in from Ontario all weekend so we spent their last day with them yesterday instead of going to work and daycare. Well worth it.
I have to laugh because my almost two year old wakes up at 6:45 yelling ‘Mummy!! Nuggoe!! Nuggoe mummy!’ Damn, I was hoping to shower while she slept. Never fails.
So I go get her from her crib, take her to my bed and the whole time she is saying ‘hi mummy.’ We lay down and she looks at me firmly and in this cheesy grin says ‘kisssseesssss!’ and pulls my face in to give me a kiss and then asks for a hug. She always says thank you after. So I mean, she’s polite at least. Must be doing something right. Makes up for letting her eat tostito chips and grapes for supper last night.
Then we start in on ‘momomoannnnaaaa’ until I turn on Moana. We watch this about 50 thousand times a day that I am almost sure I renamed her Hie Hie. Boy does she get upset when the coconuts steal him after he eats the Heart. ‘MUMMY TICKEN! HEART! BACK!’ so after I reassured her that they would get him back I go have a shower.
I come back to my room and this little cheeky, mischievous grin comes across her face and my thoughts immediately are ‘Oh God what did you do!’. I then hear a series of poots, toots and fluffs and her looking at me saying ‘Faahhhted!’ and giggles.
Why kids think bodily functions are so freaking hilarious is absolutely beyond me. Makes my day happier though, provided there are no explosions that go along with it.
Thats my Tuesday…..so far anyways as theres at least a days worth of laundry to do yet.
Moe Reality 